Trying to keep the faith

Some days it is really hard to have faith when everything seems to fall apart. When it feels like everyone you love is eventually ripped from you. When tough things happen to those you love. You want to have faith and keep believing but damn, why does bad keep happening.

I got a call from my dad today and it started off like most conversations, simple and about the kids. But I always know when he calls instead of texts that he has something to tell me.

Pedal back a few months, my dad has been dealing with some health issues and it feels like we get bad news, semi okay news, more bad news, good news, and bad news again. This time, if the cycle continued we were due for bad news and that’s what we got.

They found another tumor.

I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this rollercoaster has been for my dad because he’s the one living it. He’s the one given bad news, good news, bad news. Talk about mind f!@#. I’m just over here taking in the news each time and it is tearing me apart. What it must be like for him to lay awake at night thinking about everything that he is going through.

At 36 I don’t even feel like I can get attached to anyone or anything anymore. If I love it, it’ll probably be taken from me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am also very grateful for what I have. And I DO recognize what I’m blessed with but I can’t downplay what I keep losing and that’s people I love.

I’m going to stay as positive as possible for my dad. I’m going to try my very best to keep my faith through this journey with him. And I’m going to hope like hell I get to keep my dad around. To continue building our relationship, to watch him bond with his grandkids, and to live his life.

If you have a moment, you’ve kept your faith, and you pray, please consider saying a prayer for my dad and his health.

Blogging to a better me

Sometimes when I blog I think “do people really care to hear about my life?”…I mean we all go through stuff and not everyone has to share it or write about it but blogging (writing) is an outlet for me. Even if no one reads what I write it still makes me feel better.

The reason I feel like blogging is important is, well for one it’s therapeutic for the mind to get your thoughts out. But more importantly, if even one person can relate I feel it necessary for them to know they aren’t alone.

I’m not alone. In fact I live with three amazing people. Two of which I created. But so much of my time I feel alone in my thoughts. Many of my thoughts are positive and relatable day to day thoughts but when I have a few minutes where no one needs me and I get to thinking sometimes it leads me back to the past. I actually think about the past a lot. More often than not I am interrupted or I have to stick it back in my pocket again for a while.

Blogging gives me the opportunity to put those thoughts down while they are fresh in my mind. That way I can sort through them, process them, and decide what I want to do with them. Prior to writing nothing ever got processed only put on hold and back to square one when time allowed.

My life is a little hectic but I’m telling myself no excuses this time. When I’m processing, I’m blogging. Here’s to giving myself the platform to look back on my life and embrace what I’ve been through, forgive what I cannot change, and move forward without the unnecessary strings attached.

Birthday in heaven

Today is your birthday, except you’re not here. I’d like to celebrate in your honor but honestly this day every year is just a reminder of a year without you.

People will say “she would want you to celebrate her”, “she would want you to be happy”…I’m not sure that’s true because maybe instead you’re up there missing me too.

I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if you never had to go. Would we live close and still spend almost everyday together? Would you have kids too and would our kids be playing together? Would we still be as close as we were as kids?

Sometimes I feel your presence and that gives me some temporary comfort but it’s definitely not the same.

I do hope if you’re keeping an eye out that you’re proud of me. I hope you love me the same and I hope you forgive me for anything I didn’t do right when you were here. There are so many things I want to say to you, so many things I wish you knew. I’ll save that for another day.

Although I’m saddened that you’re not here to celebrate your birthday, I am thankful for the birthdays I did get to spend with you, there just weren’t enough.

So, happy heavenly birthday, I miss you beyond words, Andrea.

Ready to write

Sometimes I think we hesitate to start writing because we fear we won’t be able to stop. We might also fear that once it’s written we can’t take it back. We can’t hide our truth. We can’t pretend to be something we’re not. And then there is this everlasting fear of being judged. Like you can’t be honest anymore about anything without someone judging how you live your life.

Cue the eye roll.

Quarantine has given me lots of extra little moments to think. At first I was annoyed because it’s so much easier to bury that stuff way down deep and never dig it up. Of course, there are days things bother us and we don’t know where it comes from and then we remember we buried feelings and they want to be heard, ugh.

Anyway, I went through a handful of emotions, mostly internal but a few surfaced. One in particular is what brought me here. Resentment. I’ve had it for years, like some seasonal allergies or something but this time it didn’t go away. SO much resentment. So much resentment in fact, that I felt like I finally had to dig it up. It literally refuses to be buried anymore.

Now, I’ve spent the last week or so internalizing it. Trying to be my own personal therapist. Where does it come from? Why do you feel this way? Why haven’t you let it go yet? Why now?

Although quarantine, extra time to think, and process might be to blame or thank for all of this, I’m actually really thankful because it is allowing me to finally sort through and focus on letting go.

I’ve got to tell you, it feels amazing to address an issue head on and not bury it down deep anymore.

It’s time to face the past and move on to the future without it.

Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.